3.14 Conjuring imaginary friends

If you have imaginary friends when you’re little, that can be lots of fun, but it’s also more than fun, it’s an advantage. Studies show that children who interact with imaginary friends do better at developing…

Language abilities,

Social skills,

Relationship smarts, and

Emotional maturity.

They’re better at developing…

Creativity.

And if you’re…

Lonely? An imaginary friend can comfort you.

Bored? An imaginary friend can entertain you.

Dealing with loss? An imaginary friend can provide consolation and see you through your hard time.

These friends don’t have to be human…

Remember the comic strip “Calvin and Hobbes”? That’s an example. When other people are around, Hobbes, who is Calvin’s stuffed toy tiger, is drawn with simple lines as inanimate.

But when Calvin is alone with him, Hobbes springs to life, fully imagined. Together they have adventures, scrappy conversations, and lots of mischievous good fun.

I don’t remember ever having imaginary friends as a kid. I don’t think I had them but forgot them as I grew up, which can happen for lots of kids. I doubt that I ever had them because I was so busy following strict rules of behavior trying to be the best good boy I could be that I doubt I had the bandwith for imaginative play.

But now…

I’m making up for lost time.

I’ve got a crew of imaginary friends who bring me real blessings. I call them inner guides because they help me find my way. And every single one of them is always on my side…

They know me really well, sometimes better than I seem to know myself, and they care about me. Even when they tell me something about myself I’m not thrilled to hear, I always feel the presence of their caring. That’s the foundation of their relationship with me.

In the journey to upgrade love I’ve found that I need all my inner resources working for me, and these guides are my favorite resources, and the most effective ones I’ve got.

Professional psychologists prefer to talk about parts instead of inner guides. You know what it’s like to have split feelings and you might find yourself saying things like, “Part of me wants to make this relationship with my partner work, and part of me just wants out.”

Humans are complicated and it’s no wonder that we have inner conflicts and thus feel like we have different parts inside us.

Describing people in terms of parts has a long tradition in the world of psychology…

Freud had his id, ego, and superego.

Jung had his animus and anima, along with a collection of archetypes he discovered in the collective unconscious.

Eric Berne created Transactional Analysis which featured a natural child, adapted child, adult, critical parent, and nurturing parent.

Stephen Karpman had his Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor as the three parts of his Drama Triangle.

Rick Schwartz developed Internal Family Systems which has a host of inner characters all with their own special functions, and each falling into one of three categories: protection, polarization, or alliance.

Is it possible that thinking of yourself in terms of parts could fragment you? Yes, but if you do it right, it can make you more vibrant and whole.

What matters is that the parts are all pulling together to nurture you and make you stronger. Especially if there’s one part that pulls the rest of them together, like the conductor keeps all the members of an orchestra playing in harmony. Jung called this part, which transcended all the other parts, the Self. And Schwartz follows suit, using the Self as a unifier.

Working with parts in therapy or in your daily life in general, can be extraordinarily helpful. And following a system like the ones I mentioned above can be productive.

But for me personally, I prefer to conjure my inner guides from inside myself rather than ordering off the menu.

Jung developed a process he called Active Imagination and he used this process to go beyond his system of archetypes to invent inner guides which were idiosyncratic and personal to him.

During my cancer episode, when I was working with my imagery therapist Susan, I fell in love with conjuring healing images, and so I took the same training she had taken and became an Imagery Guide.

You’ve probably been to a session where a facilitator leads a room of say sixty people on a guided imagery journey, like…

You’re told to imagine yourself walking through meadow, crossing a rushing stream, hiking up the side of a mountain, arriving at the mouth of a cave, and sitting down with a wise old man. All sixty of you have taken the journey together up to this point, but now you each get to ask the guru your most burning question and listen to him as he gives you advice.

I love sessions like this. And I find them helpful. But this is not what I trained to do. I learned to do Interactive Guided Imagery.

Interactive was the most important part of that title…

We elicited images and guides and journeys from our clients. We never gave them preformed images or guides. It was all extemp and absolutely personal to them. The guidance we provided was to help them go deeper inside and to help them make sure that they elicited guides who were “wise and loving” figures. We helped them protect themselves from any rogue guides that might show up who would hurt them.

So this was a sequel to Jung’s Active Imagination.

And it became very much a part of my personal life. Whitman said, “I am multitudes…” Well, I’m not multitudes but I do have a collection of inner guides. I’ve got two who are my lead guides, the ones who I consult and count on most. And then I’ve got three guides who play supporting roles and are part of my inner circle. Then there are guides who play minor roles or come for a short time to help me with a specific issue then disappear.

How do I keep all these guides operating in harmony? My Always-Part takes care of that. He’s my Self. I’ve already introduced you to him in section 1.7.

You might notice, though, I’m not introducing you to my five core guides. I’m not telling you their names or their origin stories. Or really anything about them at all. Susan knows one of them. But I’ve never told anyone else about that part or any of the others.

Why am I so strict about keeping them private? I would love to tell the world about all my guides because I love them so much and I’m so grateful for them.

But I don’t talk about them because they are sacred, by which I don’t mean divine–sacred, but…

Personal-sacred.

They matter to me so I protect them. I don’t want to have anyone ever taking energy away from them. I don’t want anyone to joke about them, or poke fun at them, or try to manipulate me with them, or take their names in vain.

And I recommend the same to you. If you have inner guides or if in the future you conjure some, keep them to yourself.

Except, you might find that you want to tell your intimate partner or best friend about a guide or two or all of them, as long as you’ve tested that partner or that friend and you’ve found them trustworthy. And you’re sure they will understand how important your guides are to you and will treat them with care and keep them confidential.

Best of course, is if your partner or friend also has inner guides of their own that they consider to be personal sacred. So they appreciate in a deeply personal way how important your relationship with your guides is to you.

It may sound strange to say this, but your guides being personifications, have personal reactions to how you treat them.

The more you nurture them the more they will nurture you.

But…

If you don’t protect them, if they feel unsafe, they won’t show up.

You know what it’s like when you listen to someone so well that they dig deeper and surprise themselves with what they hear themselves saying?

The same thing can happen with your guides. If you listen to them deeply and with appreciation, they will dig deeper and give you better blessings.

Does everyone have an inner guide? Yes. At least one. When someone tells me she’s never had an inner guide, I ask,

“Do you have an Inner Critic?”

No one has ever told me no.

And the Inner Critic is a personification because it has characteristics of a person. You can have back–and–forth conversations with it. You can have a long–term relationship with it, even if it’s not a happy relationship.

What I find sad is that so many people only ever have this one inner personification, or guide, and…

It’s not friendly.

It’s imaginary in that it’s not a real flesh and blood person, but it is all too real in the damage it causes. We don’t conjure it from inside ourselves. It comes from the outside, from our society and our family and our culture.

And given the damage the Inner Critic does, my wish is for everyone to have not just one inner guide who advocates for them, but a whole team of guides. And guides who have the power to match and then outmatch the Inner Critic.

Let me give you a few tips about inner guides…

Invite them, evoke them, conjure them, but without controlling them. It’s like staying with the traces of a dream when you wake up in the morning. If you try to grasp it, it will disappear. Sometimes guides arrive full blast, fully formed and ready to rock and roll. But some guides come as inklings and you need to be tender with them and comforting before they will show themselves.

It doesn’t work to invent an inner guide with your rational, conscious mind. It matters that they come from deep within. So while you are very active in the process of calling them forth, it’s as though they are coming to you as an act of grace. Showing up is a gift they are giving you.

Inner guides don’t like to be micromanaged. If you ask them a question, pause, watch them take in that question, give them time to take it in deeply and ponder it, so they can give you their best reply. Don’t get pushy and rush them. If you get demanding you’ll spoil their generosity, which is one of their best features.

I urge you not to ever take your inner guides for granted. Instead treat your relationships with them with the same care you would treat the most precious relationships in your life—or better.

Talking about having a relationship with your inner guides brings up the question of exactly how do you relate to them. Do you…

Reify, deify, or personify.

I’ve seen therapists on YouTube who handle parts by pulling their strings like they were marionettes. They are using parts, exploiting them. These therapists are managing their clients, instead of helping their clients develop a deep and loving relationship with the parts of themselves. These therapists are using parts as if they were things.

I don’t ever want to do that.

And then there are people who have angels for guides. In some cases, those are personal guides, conjured from inside, so they are much like any other guides. But I’ve met people who have angels which they believe to be supernatural. These guides come from the outside, from the divine, whatever they believe that to be.

I choose not to do that. I want guides who are personal to me. Given my history I certainly don’t want guides sent by God who I don’t believe in and don’t respect.

So my choice is to personify guides. To give them permission to be fully developed characters, with hearts and minds and wills of their own. I want to have a vigorous and loving relationship with them. I want them to be as personal as can be…

I don’t want the distance that reification and deification bring.

And now, in case you haven’t already conjured guides you enjoy having conversations with, I’d like to give you a taste of what that’s like.

But, wait, there’s the problem of confidentiality. I don’t talk about my core guides. So I’ve written out two conversations. I’ve conjured up the people and the guides both. Please remember, though, these are only two of myriad possibilities.

Corinne’s “Sweet Heart”
Corinne grew up in a mildly abusive family. The abuse was all verbal. And everyone except Corinne engaged in it—mother and father, aunts and uncles, siblings and cousins. There were constant put–downs, personal attacks, and the sabotaging of self–esteem. It was like a sport for them.

Corinne was a sensitive girl and this family culture took a toll on her. She learned to be afraid. She worked hard to keep herself as invisible as she could and out of the direct line of fire, but there was only so much she could do, and she still suffered too much assault.

When she left home at age 20, moved to a new city, and was out on her own, she carried her childhood with her. One morning she noticed that whenever she met someone new, she’d take a step back in fear. That was her first, instinctive reaction. She would observe this new person, size them up, and start strategizing how to defend herself against them if that became necessary.

And she hated this. She wanted to live her life on her own terms not on her family’s terms.

That evening, at home alone, and feeling safe, she noticed that there was a part of her lobbying to be heard. So she spoke to it.

Corinne:  Who are you and what are you trying to tell me?

Part:  I don’t know who I am, you’ll have to give me a name, but I’m part of you, the part of you who wants better, much better, with friends and acquaintances. I’m the part of you who’s done with being scared of people.

Corinne:  Okay, I like hearing this, I like it a lot.

Part:  I notice you pulling back when you meet someone. Even though you’re eager to get to know that person, you still pull back in a childhood reaction of fear.

Corinne:  That’s exactly what I’m seeing. That fear is in my bones. So it’s hard to build a circle of friends.

Part:  But what about your heart?

Corinne:  Oh, it’s not in my heart. My heart wants warmth and connection and sweetness. And wants it from the first moment. Is that too much to ask?

Part:  Not at all. If that’s what your heart wants, let’s go for it!

Corinne:  Okay. And now I know your name. You’re “Sweet Heart.” Not sweetheart, but “Sweet Heart.”

Sweet Heart:  Simple and to the point. And I’m who you want to be?

Corinne:  Yes, you are. But what do I do with my fear?

Sweet Heart:  You make a strategy. Let me ask you this. All those years of being under duress with attacks coming at you from all sides, what did you learn about defending yourself?

Corinne:  Oh, I see where you’re going with this. I learned how to go poker–face. The attacks wore me down, but I refused to let my family see that. I got better and better, especially through my teen years at letting the attacks fly by. I learned to repeat this mantra: “It’s them, not me. They are the ones who are messed up, not me. If they would listen to me, I could show them the way to a much happier life.”

Sweet Heart:  Very cool. And what else?

Corinne:  I spent as much time as I could somewhere other than home. I stayed late after school helping teachers with different projects. I spent a lot of weekend time in the library. When I turned sixteen, I talked my mom into paying for art classes. I made friends there and spent as much time as I could with them at their homes.

Sweet Heart:  So you weren’t just a beaten–down victim?

Corinne:  Now that you say that I can see that I wasn’t. I couldn’t stop the assaults, but I was able to be less of a target, and let them go after each other instead. I wasn’t much fun for them because I wouldn’t attack back and I would disappear a lot.

Sweet Heart:  Now imagine meeting a new person, and instead of taking that step back in fear, you step right into the possibility of a friendship. You’re open and vulnerable and sweet.

Corinne:  I’m picturing that.

Sweet Heart:  And now see that person responding to you with warmth and kindness, happy to be getting to know you.

Corinne:  I really, really want that. But, wow, is this different than my habitual response. It’s going to take some getting used to. And I still have a question about what if this person is not trustworthy?

Sweet Heart:  See that picture. You open to this person and at first he opens to you, but then he starts with the put–downs. What do you do then?

Corinne:  Oh, that’s easy, I get out of there. I don’t even need to say goodbye. I’ll just go. I had to come home to my family each night. But I don’t have to hang out with verbally abusive people now that I’m on my own. Which feels just great.

Sweet Heart:  What’s the risk then, in being open from the first moment of meeting someone?

Corinne:  Actually no risk at all. Because I know so much about how to defend myself and I’m so very motivated to do that.

Sweet Heart:  That’s what I’m seeing.

Corinne:  So now I want to ask you for a favor. Do I get to do that?

Sweet Heart:  Yes, you do, always. I’m part of you and I know you and love you and want the best for you. So call on me anytime you want. And what’s the favor?

Corinne:  From now on anytime I meet a new person, and actually anytime I get together with a friend, I want you to be with me, inside me, present, bolstering my courage to lead with warmth.

Sweet Heart:  You got it. That’s my thing. I’ll love doing that. And especially doing that for you.

This is an example of a lead guide, operating right at the center of Corinne’s life. Next let’s look at a guide that more in a supporting role.

Nikki’s “Banter”
Nikki grew up in a serious academic family. Her mom and dad were both professors who lived their lives in books and complicated thoughts. They were as serious as could be. They loved Nikki. In fact, they adored her. They took very good care of her, but they weren’t a lot of fun. They didn’t know how to be playful.

As Nikki was preparing to go away to college, she went to a teen workshop where the facilitator took the kids through an exercise to look back at their years of growing up and then think about the changes they would like to make when they were away from home in college with all kinds of new possibilities opening up for them.

Nikki didn’t get into the exercise during the workshop, but that night as she lay in bed staring up at the ceiling in a reverie, she started having a conversation with a stranger who was somehow inside herself.

Nikki:  I’ve been lucky to have the parents I’ve had. Mostly. But my friend Mindy has a very different relationship with her parents. They’re playful and joke around with each other and they banter with each other, and it’s very sweet banter. And I want that.

If there’s one thing I wish for in my new life at college, it’s that. I want friends I can play with. And just in saying that, I feel such a longing for it.

Voice:  I understand. All these years I’ve been watching you and I’ve been seeing this longing, held in check by circumstance.

Nikki:  You’ve been watching me? Who are you?

Voice:  A part of yourself. This is how you humans work. You got your self, but then you’ve got parts, too.

Nikki:  So I’m talking to myself?

Voice:  Yes. Very cool, isn’t it?

Nikki:  Okay. Well, okay, I’ll bite. What do you want to tell me?

Voice:  I’ve watched you over the last six months reading those novels by Jennifer Crusie. What is it that you like best about them?

Nikki:  I like how playful they are. I like the romance, of course, but I’ve read other romances that don’t have anything like Jenny’s imaginative sense of play.

Voice:  How do the couples in her books talk to each other?

Nikki:  Oh, I love that. How they banter with each other.

Voice:  Describe the banter.

Nikki:  There’s a guy at my school who’s super sharp at banter, but he’s got a cutting edge. Half the time he gets people laughing, but half the time he hurts people’s feelings. I don’t want to do that.

Voice:  So what’s the difference with Crusie’s banter?

Nikki:  It’s affectionate. It makes the two people feel closer. Each one makes the other feel better about themselves. Their banter both deepens their relationship and celebrates it. That’s that I want. But I’ve never done that. I have a lot to learn.

Voice:  What if you have less to learn than you think?

Nikki:  How so?

Voice:  You’ve paid very close attention to Crusie’s dialogues. You’ve learned from them. And what about friends at school?

Nikki:  Oh, yeh, there are three girls I’m friends with who banter all the time, and they really like each other, so the banter is friendly and fun.

Voice:  You’ve learned from them, haven’t you?

Nikki:  Actually, you’re right, I have. You know, you’re very helpful. Can I call on you in the future?

Voice:  Sure, if you give me a name so I’ll know it’s me you want when you call.

Nikki:  How about if I call you “Banter.” Sorry, that’s not very creative. No flair.

Banter:  No, that’s just fine, because banter is what I love best so that name is exactly right for me, and I’ll be there for you whenever you want as you play your way into future friendships.

Rich’s “Hardball”
I’m going to do one more dialogue. And this guide is one of mine. Why am I violating my rule about keeping my guides to myself? Because this is a guide who’s an expert at defending himself. He doesn’t mind being out. Here’s just one of the conversations I’ve had with him.

Rich:  You know I don’t like playing hardball.

Hardball:  I know, but still I’m part of you.

Rich:  But I’m not sure I want you to be.

Hardball:  I get that, but here I am.

Rich:  So what do I do about that?

Hardball:  You could ignore me.

Rich:  I guess I could. I guess I have often enough in my life.

Hardball:  Or you could make a deal with me.

Rich:  Like what?

Hardball:  Look, I see how you have your life set up. You spend time with people you care about. You’re not doing activist politics anymore where you have to battle with people or institutions. You don’t have to play hardball with yourself anymore, like driving yourself when you really need to rest.

Rich:  You know, you’re right, the hardball I hate worst is when I play it against myself.

Hardball:  So we’ll rule that out. I promise you I’ll never play hardball with you, meaning against you.

Rich:  Thank you. I want to be done with that.

Hardball:  You are done with that. And congratulations.

Rich:  So why are you still sticking around?

Hardball:  Just in case you need me.

Rich:  For example.

Hardball:  Say someone comes after you and tries to shame you, how do you want to handle that?

Rich:  What I should do is try to negotiate with him and calm him down and show him what a good guy I am and how off-base he is.

Hardball:  That’s what you should do, but what do you want to do?

Rich:  I want to kick his butt and teach him a lesson so he’ll go away and never try that again.

Hardball:  That’s why you still need me.

Rich:  But I really, really don’t like playing hardball.

Hardball:  I get that, I do, but I’m here just in case.

Rich:  But that means you don’t get to do much. You’re on the bench and I’ll almost never call you out onto the field. Won’t you get bored?

Hardball:  No, I’m fine. I get a kick out of sitting on the bench and watching you live your life in a much kinder way that you used to. I’m actually happy when you don’t need me.

Rich:  And if I do need you?

Hardball:  That makes me happy, too. I’m always eager to kick some butt.

Rich:  So you’re my fallback guy.

Hardball:  That I am. I’m there for the times when nothing else works and you need me. Or you’re just done with someone’s shenanigans, and you want to take decisive action to stop them. And remember I’m you playing hardball. I’m your version of hardball. And as much as you don’t like it, you’re actually good at it.

Rich:  I am? How so?

Hardball:  Imagine a guy tries to take you down with a shame attack. And imagine me feeding you the lines you need to stop him in your tracks:

“Listen, guy, I get that you’re trying to shame me and make me hurt or maybe make me go silent. But let me warn you, you’re making a big mistake. Because I grew up on shame. I know it intimately. And you don’t want to start a shame battle with me, because I will beat you and beat you bad.

“Just because I was on the receiving end of shame doesn’t mean I wasn’t studying in infinite detail how it was done.

“And I spent decades shaming myself, so I know all too well how to do it. I’m very experienced. I’m masterful. So you don’t want to go up against me.

“If you don’t stop your crap, I’ll start out slow and give you just a taste of what I can do. And if you don’t stop then, I’ll start ramping up my attacks until you cry uncle.

“Maybe you can tell that I don’t really like playing hardball. Maybe that’s why you decided to attack me. But if you’re thinking I’m easy you’re misreading me.

“And you know what I’ll focus in on? I’ll shame you for shaming me. For using shame to hurt someone. For being that kind of person. And I hate shame so much, this is something that if I’m pushed to it, I can really get into and even enjoy. I mean I really, really hate shame.”

Rich:  Wow, I could really say that?

Hardball:  Couldn’t you?

Rich:  Truth is, I could. That actually sounds like me. Or like I want to sound.

Hardball:  And think about times when you’ve taken a stand for yourself. During the confrontation, maybe your heart was in your throat, but afterwards…

Rich:  I feel great about taking a stand. Retrospectively I feel like I really enjoyed it.

Hardball:  Actually I’ve noticed that once you get rolling you enjoy it.

Rich:  You know, you’re right about that.

Hardball:  Remember, I’m part of you. I’m not some kind of alien. I’m just feeling what you’re feeling but aren’t always aware of. And you want to know something else?

Rich:  What?

Hardball:  You don’t have to actually use me very often to have hardball power.

Rich:  What does that mean?

Hardball:  Just the fact that I’m here and you can call me into the game at any moment, means you will have a stronger presence. A self-defense presence. A no-BS presence.

Rich:  I get that.

Hardball:  Just your presence will warn away most amateur bullies, meaning the ones who are actually cowards and are just looking for someone they can hurt and get away with it.

Rich:  Right, and if they sense that I’ve got you on my bench and you’re ready to dive in, they’ll go find someone else to hurt.

Hardball:  And if you’re dealing with a professional bully instead of an amateur bully, and he’s a mean sucker and a hard-ass and obstinate, then what do you do?

Rich:  Oh, I know the answer to that. I organize. I go get some help so as not to take on that kind of bully alone. And I know how to organize.

Hardball:  I’d be glad to help you stay smart about parsing the distinctions between different kinds of bullies. That’s if you’d like me to.

Rich:  I like, I like.

Hardball:  But there’s something more I want you to understand about me. I’m not about just kicking butt, and I’m not about clever strategies and popping off with snappy lines that shut the bullies down.

I’m all about what’s deepest in your heart, about you coming from there, about you speaking even to attackers from there, from your moral core. And my job as I see it is to make your heart be fierce when it needs to be fierce. Do you want that?

Rich:  I do. That’s perfect. And actually kind of beautiful.

Hardball:  Beautiful?! No one’s ever said that about me before. Thank you.

Rich’s “Bear”
Finally let me tell you about a guide, one of mine, who doesn’t talk. He only shows up as a presence, so we don’t have conversations, but we still have a deep, ongoing relationship…

Bear has never been to church. He’s never in his life obeyed a should. He doesn’t even know what a should is. He’s just out in the meadows looking for berries or down by the stream smacking fish out of the current. He wants what he wants and what he wants is good for him.

My version of Bear is not mean or aggressive. Unlike say a real grizzly bear, he never wants to hurt anyone. He’s also not soft and cuddly like a Teddy Bear. He’s not a pushover. He’s got his own personality. And he inspires me to follow my deepest heartfelt nurturing desires instead of submitting to the old demanding shoulds of childhood.

Here he is, my buddy…